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How To Buy Tallit and Tefillin... FOR A WOMAN!

You buy it in Israel because you want something smexy! You want something shiny! You get off on Jewish parapharnelia and don't really feel like opting for something made of plastic and paper! You want it on a proper parchment, written by hand by a special Sofer... and you don't feel like caughing up £500 ... ok? It doesn't come cheap even here but... you are a woman! You want to lay tefillin! YOU WHORE (how dare you! BOOBS!) you are going to hell for it anyway, bitch, you might as well enjoy the luxury but don't pay so much... eh? And you know... I flew to this land in a small plain, full of orthodox Jews... I swear when they called for Evening prayer a diaspora of black-hats to the front of the plain almost tilted the damn thing to the ground! (The Vulcan raised his head behind the Guardian Newspaper and said dryly: "Ladies and Gentlemen - We are experiencing religious turbulance"). I had to be polite as I sat with a bunch of people who wear too many black clothes in hot weather and forget the Halakha actually demands you have a shower TWICE DAILY not once a week in the Mikveh on friday night... maybe... ¬_¬. Don't get me wrong - it wasn't all bad. Most men turned their head when I passed by them so I could check their little Tallit and try to count the knots in it to determined which wierd arse Jewish sect they follow... granted that ended up looking as though I was checking their arses which I TOTALLY WASN'T (appart from this one guy who was really hot - seriously! Gosh DAMN - Dossalach can be pretty too - is that even allowed?). I even embarrassed one of them half to death because he was reading this really chibi Babylonian Talmud in front of me and I always wanted Babylonian Talmud at home but they are usually HUGE books and come in a minimum of 35 volumes... how the fuck am I suppose to transport that amount of Jewish wisdom from here to there ... He was a bit shifty because I was leaning over my chair to drool over his book but - BAH! They wouldn't...

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